The Friendly Neighborhood BigDirtyFoot
Poems (December 2002)


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 The Red Buttons: 12/1/02
Born without fingerprints so they can't find me,
When I press the red buttons to unleash the fury,
And I'll be laughing in the hell that they made,
With all of the victims that I destroyed,
With my hands that lack identity forced into images.

 Thirst for a Raman Queen: 12/2/02

How can we both be varelse, Novinha?
Ramen to all others but ourselves,
A force to be reckoned with,
Myself, and you as me,
Pick me off the floor,
So I can throw you down,
And we'll share each other's wounds,
Repeating the process with alternate roles,
So you can push me down,
And watch me bleed,
For your thirst is my thirst,
And we're hungry for ramen,
But we are destined to forever coexist,
As two separate species that cannot compromise,
But love each other the same,
The little doctor cursed us to forever be varelse. 

In a Perfect World: 12/3/02

It seems too often I wonder,
Why was I put on this Earth,
To make people conceive the unthinkable,
To annoy and anger society,
In an infinite world I could have infinite identities,
So that when they set one aflame,
The others can regroup and recreate the dead identity,
And the backlash would be too sweet.

The Sweetest Candy: 12/3/02

I can't wait till I die,
So then I can be free,
Should I cheat the system,
Or should I be me,
A sip of some good poison,
So that you can see,
I never really lied, I was myself,
Cyanide, the sweetest candy.

                           Understanding Apologetic Hunger: 12/3/02

The bare skin of my calloused feet dripping with my poisonous saliva,
Must I now learn tolerance to hold back my painful critiques,
In between my canines is a plethora of bitter-tasting toenail grunge,
My ears must begin to open for the scent of my daily walk lined with patience,
The stripped flesh fills the void in my raw ruby-red throat,
The prison-bar arms to embrace those who trustingly confide in me,
My leftover shoelaces that close the wounds and dangle around my throbbing tonsils,
And I allow my pulsating heart to occupy a permanent position in their refrigerator,
My eyes seem to be bigger than my apetite as I put my foot in my mouth,
And I am hungry no longer for this sort of regurgitated feast. 

Don't Fuck With Me Right Now (Three Mystical Creatures): 12/4/02

I once heard a story of three mystical creatures who angered their master,
The anger transformed into hatred for the creatures shared cruel laughter,
And the master erased the three from existence for all of eternity,
There was an order to the deletion for the master said, "The first one didn't learn from me",
The second provoked the master again and again until she withered away,
The horrible little circle of innocent lies from the creatures would not stay,
And the final weakling attempted to run for her life but was struck down by knife,
For she refused to succomb to the master's wishes and become his wife,
It took all three creatures to attemp to attack their master,
But even with one body he was stronger and faster,
So the master erased them from existence and the creatures diminished,
But the war had only begun; it was not time to finish,
The old pictures of the creatures began to delete each ugly face,
And the stories that were told with these creatures began to erase,
The master felt no pity for they all had been warned,
They decided to become beasts on the dark side and therefore received his scorn,
Invalid, Null and the Omegavirus, these beasts reached a mirror in the erased land,
And as they gazed into it their lives flashed before them in the form of a bitch-slapping hand,
They would not ask for forgiveness so society knows them to be dead,
But the master has forgotten even their births; they were never in his head.

                            Obituary for a Lost Friend: 12/5/02

Your father called last night to tell me I killed you,
You had shot yourself in the head with a revolver,
In their sleep your parents dreamed of watching you fall,
Waking with sweat running down their face,
This became more of a reality,
And your suicide note placed blame on me,
Even though your torment was your own,
And I went to your funeral,
And pissed on your grave and sang out loud.

 Obituary for a Lost Friend Pt. 2: 12/5/02

Although this is written from a cold, damp jail cell,
I still feel much more free,
Than when I knew you were alive,
And when you owned me with your words,
Those hateful words,
The court case is still pending,
And yet I still can't apologize to your family,
I may be criminally insane,
But I still know that you used me.

 Obituary for a Lost Friend Pt. 3:12/5/02

The jury found me guilty for your death,
Perhaps they are right,
But I did worse than simply kill you,
I broke your soul until it diminished,
Now I will never see it again,
When I am in hell looking at Satan,
I realize something,
Even though he is a horrible creature,
He is still better than you.

 The Hardest Six Feet of Our Lives...: 12/5/02

Who will hold me back when I stand six feet away,
The death from the fall doesn't seem like death at all,
I thought you would stand by me but it seems you were lying,
This shovel you will need to carry is heavy,
When you pack in the soil and say goodbye to me,
Do it yourself because your friends are what killed me,
Not you,
But the wounds that they caused are now six feet deep,
And perhaps the tears you shed will fill my grave,
If your guilt doesn't kill you first,
And you thought I was lying?

 Lame: 12/7/02

It's gonna test the fucking patience,
It's gonna test the fucking patients,
Until they get well and all swell,
Like freedom from their jail cell,
In hell there are no dinner bells,
Only the ones heavy as lead in their head,
Ringing enough to make them dead instead,
Doors at the mental hospital dental gospel,
Gothic cathedral not this communal communion,
Take it like you mean it bring it sling it,
Swing it sing it sting it scream it,
Until the knock stops on the padded walls,
For padded falls and saddened balls,
Toys and boys to twirl the girls,
But insane sane or game for the same,
They don't play won't say pay this lame.

Sleepfire: 12/10/02

Sitting on this flimsy diving board with needles protruding,
The tranquilizer and heroin solution will set in soon,
And the pool full of gasoline awaits the plunge I'll take,
The lit match I am holding is a simple object of perfection,
How can something so little be a great tool of destruction?
As I look in the flame I see white flashes emerging,
The pictures of my youth that I hated and tried to forget but couldn't,
Fading in a syncronized pattern with the closing of my eyes,
The first surge I feel is in my right leg as I hit the pool,
The pain just continues to travel through my body,
The cries that I give are not returned by generous offerings,
My thoughts start to speak to me,
Why was I put here to die in a pool not filled with gasoline,
But of misery and hopelessness and a fire I created?
A gun shot wound in the head just seemed too easy to me,
This statement will stare at the hearts of many,
But the ones who really care if they even exist,
Would know that the pain on the outside is much deeper,
All is lost and I lost it myself,
Try to help me so that you will feel good,
But when you see me burning to death in a gasoline pit,
Let me go in my sleep caused by the drugs,
And what if I make it out alive,
What hell that will be to me even hotter and more painful,
Than the fire I created,
Than the friends I thought I had,
They said they cared but in reality they didn't,
The fire I created will spread into their homes,
Suicide counts rapidly rising among people,
Is this how I will achieve my one and only goal?
The one thing keeping me alive,
To destroy the human race,
Do they think I am joking about mass xenocide?
An entire race destroyed so it's not just genocide,
Do they think I am lying?
Do you think I am lying?
Who is the real liar in this situation,
Is it the victim?
Who is the victim?
If I kill all of them,
If I kill you,
If I kill me,
This is the truth I am telling you now,
I wouldn't be writing a poem about this if I didn't have a connection to it,
But that doesn't make it true,
What will make it true is that split second,
That glorious blip of time as everyone looks into the fire,
The flame flickers as their lives pass them by,
Have you ever felt this feeling because I have,
And it is the scariest moment of your fucking useless life,
A servant to death,
The crowds around me may disperse,
But we can't run from my fire,
We can't run.

Mindlock: 12/16/02

I just wish that close-minded people came with closed mouths,
The regurgitated values spewing from your lips,
I will take a spool of thread and a rusty needle,
And sew the lips shut,
Arrogance, Ignorance, Unaccepting stubborness,
Full of it, Full of shit, Now's a perfect time to knit,
Sewing those dry, chapped lips,
Just try this, Just hopeless, Saddened unintelligence,
Time to sit, Stand up kid, Stale with unacknowledgement,
Close-minded, what don't you get?

 Recursion: 12/17/02

A tale that begins among a group of friends sitting underneath the trees,
One friend stands up and exclaims,
"I have a story!",
And all the other friends ask him to tell it,
He says,
"A tale that begins among a group of friends sitting underneath the trees,
On friend stands up and exclaims..."

 Sand Seeping, Who's Weeping Now?: 12/17/02

Fucking broken bondage utopia,
You thought wrong,
I never told you the truth,
Only a warped version of it,
I was wrong,
You thought right,
I never told you the truth,
Only your subconscious paranoia,
I thought wrong,
You never really loved me,
Only to receive,
You were wrong,
I thought right,
You never really loved me,
My paranoia was blinded,
With sand seeping from your fingers,
And I think I hate you,
I know I hate you,
You were wrong,
I was right,
Fucking fixed bondage utopia.

 Contraceptive Baby: 12/17/02

All his life a looming thought to make space for the void,
A grand space for emptiness as he wonders why,
Why should he continue knowing he is unwanted,
Simply a product of mismatched timing and alcohol,
Where is the father of this child,
When he grows into his skin,
Who will explain things to him,
Where is the mother of this child,
When she left him at a doorstep,
Who would want this,
This contraceptive malfuntion,
He gathers his razor after shaving all body hair,
And drinking two gallons of water,
So that when they go to the funeral home and his bladder exlodes,
He can piss on them like he should have when he was younger,
And still in need of a diaper change,
To gain a sense of accomplishment,
All this child ever needed,
Was a reason to live,
But now he lies in a bathtub soaking in his own blood,
Just a reason to live.

 Boardwalk: 12/18/02

The bent street sign casts a shadow,
Of a cross-shaped torture chamber,
And who has carried this for you?
That's right, it was me,
Now hop on quickly,
I'll alert the officials in seven days,
You better pray for rain. 

Holding Me Back: 12/18/02

When I look at you,
You don't like it,
And you close my eyes,
With dirty staples,
So I can never see you again.

 Red Stain: 12/18/02

Well I guess I was lying to you all along,
I have been cutting myself in a way,
Every day,
That I talk to you,
And holding you will drive me so insane,
I can't get it into my brain,
That I'll never fucking have you,
Any closer than I have you now,
Why can't you see that you're the one for me,
And I'm the one for you we'll go in together as two,
And come out as one,
Don't let me down just answer me this one time,
So we can talk about it and you can think about it,
The cuts are getting deeper so fill them up with all your love again,
You use a knife and I use you,
Can't you see?
Why can't you see?

 Hardcore: 12/19/02

How can you say you know what I like?
Your assumptions just happened to be wrong,
And I'm not sorry that your ignorance,
Has blessed me with yet another,
Materialistic possession,
I will not fund your education,
Why don't you try independant study?
Take some fucking responsibility,
Thanks but no thanks,
I don't love you anymore,
Go away, far away.

Shelf: 12/21/02
You ask me,
Why do you glorify the bad and the hate,
I ask you,
Why should I fake happiness and keep on a mask,
Am I too deep for you well I'm sorry,
I can only be me and that's all I can see,
Why don't you try it sometime just be yourself,
Let me down, tell the truth, put your old self on the shelf.
America's Only Truly Legal Drug: 12/23/02
Why is this shit legal anymore?
It should be taken off all of the shelves in the store,
I'm surprised at my addiction and how it brings pain,
Even more surprised I don't inject this into a vein,
It even used to contain cocaine shipped overseas,
But now whenever I drink it my mind starts to freeze,
It's like my body can't take it and it starts to choke,
I vomit and the wall are now splattered with coke.
The Astrologer: 12/23/02
Is this the last day of my life or the first of a rebirth?
I guess I will see for myself after noon,
When they lock me in that room and ask me to talk,
I will stare at them blankly and think my own thoughts,
And absorb what he says but I will ask for the tape,
A hypothesis won't even prepare me for this,
Messenger from God or a crook with an eye,
I will have to judge for myself,
So many questions but too little time,
So it's almost not worth asking any,
But I can ask one,
I'm just so fucking afraid of the answer,
And I don't want to lose her,
But I'm more afraid I'll lose myself,
And she won't be there this time,
At least not in my mind,
A new life?
Sellout Mystery: 12/23/02
A penny for my thoughts how about a fucking million dollars,
Or even better yet tell me truths about yourself,
I'm not one to express how I really feel,
Everything I told you was probably a lie,
Or was it?
I guess no one will ever know the truth about me,
But at certain times late at night like this,
I think that maybe I lied to everyone,
All those little jokes you might remember,
Are simply my way of exhibiting untold pain,
Will I remain this mystery or will these lines fade,
These horizontal blue lines that seem to stretch forever,
Will I last forever too?
Give me your thoughts and I'll think about mine,
I can't seem to end this...
The True Christmas Story:12/25/02
Where oh where has my inspiration gone?
I think she died today,
Some Christmas this is,
Of course I appreciate all of the gifts,
But that's not what Christmas is about,
I recently found some startling news,
It turns out Christmas wasn't really the birth of Jesus,
The forgetful Christians couldn't even remember,
He was the fucking son of God!
How could you forget his birthday?
So you chose some random day of the Roman calendar,
But just wait until you hear this irony:
The day you picked happened to be the Roman day for orgy,
They were afraid of Winter Solstice that their lives would end,
So they all got together and made sweet passionate love,
The mistletoe you kiss under today,
Was actually part of an ancient Roman sexual rite,
I laugh at all of the Christians who tell the story of Jesus' birth,
Because I suppose only the enlightened like myself,
Can see their sweet ignorance shine.
Simple Imperfections: 12/26/02
I told you not to screw with me,
I always know how to make you cry,
You'll never be a part of me,
I just don't care anymore,
We'll go our two seperate ways,
And I'll even greet you in the hallways,
But only to put up a good image,
You hurt me, I stopped caring,
All my love that you stole,
It was so wasted on you,
You never gave any back,
But I can't say I care anymore,
And now that you're my enemy,
Watch out in dark places,
I'll tie you up and starve you,
You never cared about me,
So I don't care about you,
You'll never be a part of me,
I don't care.
Original Copy: 12/27/02
They say that it's different,
But what I think they really mean,
Is that it's a new duplicate,
A new and improved yet faded shade of green,
Been worn down to appear ruggedly retro,
An old style repeated in a cycle of lies,
They say that it's different,
And that the expense is not as important,
As the newfound level of comfort,
But I know they are caught in a cycle of lies,
Blinded by popularity,
They say,
"No one will stop me",
Original copy.
Take You Back: 12/27/02
I bet you think I'll take you back,
And maybe I will,
But only to beat you down,
Without public eyes,
Telling others I'm needy,
Being yourself, being greedy,
Make me look bad to everyone,
I'll neutralize,
But you'll probably always be you,
Evil, shallow and untrue,
Even if I become alone,
I'll have more true friends than you,
Because you have none,
You can't even be true to yourself!
So yeah I guess I'll take you back,
I'll beat you down.
Slight Control: 12/27/02
I guess sometimes it seems funny to me,
This is often what troubles my conscience,
I suppose I am lucky to at least have one,
Even though it hurts me when I look at the world,
When I see how little everything changes,
And it worries me because I begin to wonder,
Did I ever change or did I just dream it?
I used to be a violent kid who was too shy to talk,
And now I have a slight control over my anger,
I talk too much,
Lately I've gotten into trouble because of my talk,
I think I've become better than the rest,
When in reality I'm the same,
The same I was before,
Not the average man who walks around unconscious,
I have always been better,
And it hurts me so.
Tantrum: 12/28/02
A quick fit of anger for your dressing room,
Contained for years now unleash the fury,
Varicose veins exposed and temples blaring,
Your scales tied up like Leviathan,
Breaking free to scream at me,
Finally I can feel again.
The Blue Hat: 12/28/02
Why do you let her hold you back from me?
We haven't even tried to be good friends yet,
I can't even say anything about you,
However I do look forward to the future,
When I can look into your eyes and read you,
Just you,
Break from her and try me,
As friends,
Then you can go back to her,
And since she has been insulting you,
Your intelligence and maturity,
Behind your back but to my face,
We will slap her together,
And hold hands afterwards,
As friends.
Mainframe: 12/28/02
Well now I suppose it is time to rebuild you,
So I'll break you down first,
Shovel to knock you senseless,
Drug your mind with nuts and bolts,
Take you apart piece by piece,
Until I can see you naked,
Standing in the doorway with your back to me,
Break you down, piece by piece,
Build you up, piece by piece,
Just like you did for me,
I'm just so broken it hurts,
So I'll hurt you back,
Or have I already,
Undressing you with my eyes,
I'll build you back to fit how I want you,
Because I hate you now.
The Vibrant Aftertaste: 12/29/02
Your two extremes are dangerous grounds,
Why can't it all just be gray?
Individuality is so expensive nowadays,
It's too hard to please all as an extreme,
Sometimes taking a side is the worst decision you could make,
Neutrality may be dull and boring but it is safe,
And the taste of gray leaves no bitter aftertaste,
It is not overloaded with spoiled milk or molasses,
Is gray even really a choice though,
Or an acceptance of everything and embracer of nothing,
Is it better to live without the bad and good,
Or be able to choose between the two,
I think the gray matter between your skull fragments knows,
And it even glows,
The vibrant color of gray.
Finmyhand: 12/31/02
Well they're going to keep growing and falling,
I told them to let nature take its course but I was refused,
And everything broke on me at once so I did it myself,
And that day I ran into the forest and sat on that log over the creek,
And the next day with an F in my hand,
Red outlined in dried-up blood black,
It was a big 'Fuck You' reminding me of my hatred,
For I thought they were friends and family,
But so many lies,
Well they're going to keep growing and falling.
Now Can You: 12/31/02
Well I can say you aren't everything,
But you're the fucking definition of meretricious,
It's like you're looking right at me but I'm invisible,
And so you're talking to yourself and I hear you,
But they have to be lies they just have to,
You can't be that bad of a human being now can you?
You can't really hate me now can you?
You can't tell the truth at all now can you?
One big lie into another and you can't now can you?
You said no once how about a yes,
Now can you?
And with that... year 2002 of The Foot's poetry is over.  There are a few poems that I felt might hurt people's feelings if they were on here, so I simply sent those poems to the respectful people.  Other poems are meant to be taken VERY lightly.  I don't mean everything I say, people.  Happy New Year.